You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
