the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
