We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
