I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
