My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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