I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
