I wish I could punch you in the face.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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