Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
