Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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