my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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