I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
