It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
