well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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