You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
