I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
