with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize