I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
a search helicopter?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
