The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
