I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
