That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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