I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
