there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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