Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
