mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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