I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize