Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
