...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
