So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
