he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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