Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize