Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
