So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
