Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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