OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
