I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
