Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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