yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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