If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize