He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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