I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
