I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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