Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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