i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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