How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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