george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
