i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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