She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
