Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
