One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
