Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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