I heard we made out
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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