i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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