I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
