Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i drank out of a bidet.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
