Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
