I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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